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Top 10 reasons why computers are males:

  • 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  • 9. A better model is always just around the corner.
  • 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
  • 7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
  • 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
  • 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
  • 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  • 3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
  • 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
  • 1. Size does matter

..and the quid pro quo:


Top 10 reasons why compupters must be females:

  • 10. Picky, picky, picky.
  • 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
  • 8. Beauty is only shell deep.
  • 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
  • 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
  • 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
  • 4. Smalltalk is important.
  • 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddently it's wrong.
  • 2. They make you take the garbage out.
  • 1. Miss a period and they go wild


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never  going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."


Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father, "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing? To which the father replies, "They are making a puppy!"

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father, "Daddy what are you and mommy doing?" To which the father replies, "Johnny we are making you a little sister." Johnny thinks for a   few moments and responds, "Well, daddy could you roll mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy!"


The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, " but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."


A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.

The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they decide this is a man's job and get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".


A teacher has a class of infant children on a day trip from school. As the children board the bus the teacher told the kids "As we are out from school today, we will all be acting grown up."

Once the bus had left the city and was in the countryside, it passed a field of cows, where upon Jenny shouts "Look Miss, moo-moos." The teacher says "Now Jenny, as I said before, today we are being grown up, so it's cows not moo-moos."

Ten miles further down the road the bus passes a field of sheep and William pipes up with "Look Miss, baa-baas." The teacher again states "No William, as I said before, we are being grown up today so its sheep not baa-baas."

Meanwhile, Johnny has been sat quietly at the back of the bus for the journey. The teacher grows concerned about this and asks "Johnny, what are you doing?" to which he replies "Reading, Miss.".

The teacher then asks Johnny "And what is it you're reading?"

Johnny replied "Winnie the Shit, Miss."


There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.

The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge


A blond is driving down a country road. She looks over to the right, and sees another blond, in a row boat, out in the middle of a field, rowing. The first blond can't believe her eyes, stops the car, and gets out to look at the blond in the rowboat. The longer she looks, the madder she gets. Finally she says: "You know, it's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name. You're just sitting in the middle of a field in a row boat rowing. That's stupid. And if I could swim, I'd go out there and kick your ass."

 


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