|Seinfeld's Pearls of Wisdom
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a
job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between
a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is
there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't
you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were
thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would
a blind date last?
About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big."
"That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually,
is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no
matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on
the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions
have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements.
If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very
much like sperm -- all disorganized, bumping into their friends,
swimming in the wrong direction.
"I was first."
"Let me through."
"You're on my tail."
"That's my spot."
They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool:
"Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month.
I'm not swimming anywhere."
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for
some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the
woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off
there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas,
food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be
happy... Get off here, now!"
But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit
27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes
he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood
up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb
all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men
are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's
why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing
bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created
by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case
the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and
she marries the next guy.
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When
it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're
all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that
the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view
mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while
you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you
need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business
on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is
that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have
people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna
and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the
limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk
or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are
sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the
pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this.
Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical
because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while.
I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to
the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front
door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about
20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get
off work?" "Around 3 miles."
The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the
criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to
be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen,
Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body
right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?"
How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing
on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement...
the killer must have been... Jim."
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into
these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior
design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire
other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey
look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks
just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd
let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd
always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why
doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them
will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called
it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can
I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor,
my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call
it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection
overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
Two men, sentenced
to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down
to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had
given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden,
and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do
you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I
do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me
one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and
asked,"Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
Cop pulls a guy over,
says..."I pulled you over because you didn't stop for that stop
sign back there"
Driver says..."Yeah, but I slowed down for it"
"But you didn't STOP"
"Slow down, stop, c'mon, what's the difference officer?"
"Step out of the car, sir."
The guy gets out and cop commences to beat him silly w/his nightstick..
"Now, do you want me to slow down? Or do you want me to STOP?"