Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing
Movie character never make typing mistakes.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA,
the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy
to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly
powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand
and executecommands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can
gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS
ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive
virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress")
All computers are connected. You can access the
information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key
or whenever the screen changes.
Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and
flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated
by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and
an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off
without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer
in the world before intermission and guess the secret password
in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function
(see"Demolition Man" and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts
of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems
usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats,all
the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If you display a file on the screen and someone
deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear
and Present Danger).
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically
asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what
kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system
you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer
The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons
it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained,
because the buttons aren't labeled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to
have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance
of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image
is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around
babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a
new product for Windows 95: Windows Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me
for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing
a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without
any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became
my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete
Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the
poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product
leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Windows Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows
95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if
they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to
get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer
Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but
what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click
Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50
is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The
user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells
the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,"
Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running
within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows
2014 comes out. Maybe. Just maybe.", Gates says this is just the
start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which
either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee
Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and
Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get
my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry
Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers
asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines
asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"
General pandemonium then ensued.
There was a typical blond named Sheri.
She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the
blond jokes.One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and
dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She
went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep." She said.
"Well thank you." Said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." Said the woman.
"Okay." Replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I
take one home?" Asked the woman.
"Sure." Said the shepherd.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then
"Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick
out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" Queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog
A man was sitting on the couch watching
the game when his wife yells,
"Honey, the washer broke, come fix it". He yells back, "hey, who
do I look like? The maytag repairman?".
A few hours later she walks in and says, "Now the damned icemaker
quit,go get your tools and fix it. He barks back, "who do I look
like the icemaker repairman?"
The next evening he comes home from work. Shes got the washer
going and a big glass of ice tea waiting for him.
"I see you called the repairman!"
"No, honey the neighbor fixed them. "I tried to pay him but he
said that wouldn't be necessary, I could just bake him a cake or
Take care of him.
"Thats great" he replied, what kind of cake did you make him?
"Hey, who do I look like, Betty Crocker?? she replied.
The Pope takes a visit to NYC,
and after all the hoopla he wants to spend some time on his own
just seeing the sights---without his entourage. So he rents a limo,
and the driver shows him some sights.
Finally, the Pope says to the driver, " Listen, my son, I have
such a structured life, and I have little time to relax. Driving
has always relaxed me. Do you suppose you could find it in your
heart to let me drive?
In the meantime, you can sit back here and relax yourself." I
mean, what is the driver going to say? It's the Pope for Christ
The driver agrees and the Pope takes the wheel. For a few moments
the driver sits in the back and enjoys the ride. As a driver he
so rarely gets the privilege of being driven. Then he notices the
Pope is an excellent driver. He's making great time whizzing through
the city streets, making all the lights.
He's a really great driver. Just then some lights start flashing
from behind. It's the police. Obviously, the Pope has been exceeding
the speed limit. The Pope pulls the limo to the side of the road
and the officer approaches.
The officer looks in the car and sees the Pope at the wheel.
The policeman says to the Pope, "Umm, just a minute your eminence.
Wait here, please."
The officer runs back to his patrol car and picks up the radio.
He says to the dispatcher, nervously, "I've got a bit of a problem
here. I just pulled over someone really important and I don't know
what to do."
The dispatcher responds, "Did you pull over the Mayor?"
Cop, "No bigger."
Dispatcher: "The Governor?"
Cop, getting more nervous: "Bigger. Much, much bigger."
Dispatcher, "Oh no. Don't tell me you pulled over the President?"
Cop: "No not the President. More important."
Dispatcher: "Well who then?"
The cop responds almost in a panic, "OK I don't know who it is.
But this guy must be really big!! The Pope is his driver!!!"
dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so,
upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy
today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and
finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time,the
person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks
are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the
room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling.
On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan."
SYSTEM PROBLEM REPORT
This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow
records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users
from reporting faults in the first place.
1. Your Name: __________________________
2. Your Login Name: ____________________
3. The date? __/__/__
4. The date the problem first occurred if different? __/__/__
5. Problem severity:
Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___
6. Which machine?
7. Which are appears to be at fault?
Communications ___ Disk ___ Base Unit ___
Network ___ Keyboard ___ Screen ___
Mouse ___ Everything ___ Don't Know ___
7.1 Is it plugged in? Yes___ No ___
7.2 Is it switched on? Yes___ No ___
7.3 Has it been stolen? Yes___ No ___
7.4 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No ___
7.4.1 Have you made it worse? Yes___ No ___
7.5 Have you read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.1 Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
7.5.2 Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes___
7.6 Did you understand it? Yes___ No ___
7.6.1 If 'Yes", then why can't you fix it yourself? ________________
7.7 Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy? Yes___ No ___
7.7.1 If 'Yes", what sort of noise?
Grinding ___ Rattling ___
Whirring ___ High Pitched Whine ___
Sound of disk head scouring disk ___
Strange, out of tune whistling or humming ___
7.8 Is there a smell of burning? Yes___ No ___
7.8.1 If "Yes", is the equipment on fire? Yes___ No ___
7.9 Is the fault repeatable? Yes___ No ___
7.10 What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the
7.10.1 If 'Nothing', explain why you were logged in.
7.12 Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes___ No ___
7.13 Describe the problem _________________________________________
7.14 Now, describe the problem accurately _________________________
7.15 Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem ______________
7.16 Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me?
Yes___ No ___
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's
advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took
a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office
after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.