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Things computers do in movies...

  • Word processors never display a cursor.

  • You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

  • Movie character never make typing mistakes.

  • All monitors display inch-high letters.

  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and executecommands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard

  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress")

  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.

  • Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see"Demolition Man" and countless others).

  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats,all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (e.g Clear and Present Danger).

  • If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

  • Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").


Microsoft Introduces New Application
- Windows Panhandling.

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Windows Panhandling.

"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."

Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century.

"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."

Windows Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.

"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe. Just maybe.", Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.

"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)

But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.

"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."

Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?"

General pandemonium then ensued.


There was a typical blond named Sheri. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes.One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep." She said.

"Well thank you." Said the herder.

"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you." Said the woman.

"Okay." Replied the herder.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" Asked the woman.

"Sure." Said the shepherd.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow." Said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" Queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"


A man was sitting on the couch watching the game when his wife yells,

"Honey, the washer broke, come fix it". He yells back, "hey, who do I look like? The maytag repairman?".

A few hours later she walks in and says, "Now the damned icemaker quit,go get your tools and fix it. He barks back, "who do I look like the icemaker repairman?"

The next evening he comes home from work. Shes got the washer going and a big glass of ice tea waiting for him.

"I see you called the repairman!"

"No, honey the neighbor fixed them. "I tried to pay him but he said that wouldn't be necessary, I could just bake him a cake or Take care of him.

"Thats great" he replied, what kind of cake did you make him?

"Hey, who do I look like, Betty Crocker?? she replied.


The Pope takes a visit to NYC, and after all the hoopla he wants to spend some time on his own just seeing the sights---without his entourage. So he rents a limo, and the driver shows him some sights.

Finally, the Pope says to the driver, " Listen, my son, I have such a structured life, and I have little time to relax. Driving has always relaxed me. Do you suppose you could find it in your heart to let me drive?

In the meantime, you can sit back here and relax yourself." I mean, what is the driver going to say? It's the Pope for Christ sake.

The driver agrees and the Pope takes the wheel. For a few moments the driver sits in the back and enjoys the ride. As a driver he so rarely gets the privilege of being driven. Then he notices the Pope is an excellent driver. He's making great time whizzing through the city streets, making all the lights.

He's a really great driver. Just then some lights start flashing from behind. It's the police. Obviously, the Pope has been exceeding the speed limit. The Pope pulls the limo to the side of the road and the officer approaches.

The officer looks in the car and sees the Pope at the wheel.

The policeman says to the Pope, "Umm, just a minute your eminence. Wait here, please."

The officer runs back to his patrol car and picks up the radio. He says to the dispatcher, nervously, "I've got a bit of a problem here. I just pulled over someone really important and I don't know what to do."

The dispatcher responds, "Did you pull over the Mayor?"

Cop, "No bigger."

Dispatcher: "The Governor?"

Cop, getting more nervous: "Bigger. Much, much bigger."

Dispatcher, "Oh no. Don't tell me you pulled over the President?"

Cop: "No not the President. More important."

Dispatcher: "Well who then?"

The cop responds almost in a panic, "OK I don't know who it is.

But this guy must be really big!! The Pope is his driver!!!"


A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time,the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."


SYSTEM PROBLEM REPORT

This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users from reporting faults in the first place.

1. Your Name: __________________________

2. Your Login Name: ____________________

3. The date? __/__/__

4. The date the problem first occurred if different? __/__/__

5. Problem severity:

Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___

6. Which machine?

7. Which are appears to be at fault?

Communications ___ Disk ___ Base Unit ___

Network ___ Keyboard ___ Screen ___

Mouse ___ Everything ___ Don't Know ___

7.1 Is it plugged in? Yes___ No ___

7.2 Is it switched on? Yes___ No ___

7.3 Has it been stolen? Yes___ No ___

7.4 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No ___

7.4.1 Have you made it worse? Yes___ No ___

7.5 Have you read the manual? Yes___ No ___

7.5.1 Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___

7.5.2 Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes___ No

___

7.6 Did you understand it? Yes___ No ___

7.6.1 If 'Yes", then why can't you fix it yourself? ________________

______________________________________________________________

7.7 Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy? Yes___ No ___

7.7.1 If 'Yes", what sort of noise?

Grinding ___ Rattling ___

Whirring ___ High Pitched Whine ___

Sound of disk head scouring disk ___

Strange, out of tune whistling or humming ___

7.8 Is there a smell of burning? Yes___ No ___

7.8.1 If "Yes", is the equipment on fire? Yes___ No ___

7.9 Is the fault repeatable? Yes___ No ___

7.10 What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the fault occurred?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

7.10.1 If 'Nothing', explain why you were logged in.

______________________________________________________________

7.12 Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?

Yes___ No ___

7.13 Describe the problem _________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

7.14 Now, describe the problem accurately _________________________

______________________________________________________________

7.15 Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem ______________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

7.16 Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me?

Yes___ No ___


The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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