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Translating Southern United States to English

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.

Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.

Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.

Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"


Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was a United Auto Worker who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The Teamsters' member said he thought his dog was better. His dog, named Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies and bring them back and divide them into four piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The Oil, Chemical and Atomic Workers' member said that was good but he felt his dog was better. His dog, named Measure, was told to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three agreed this was very good and all the dogs were smart.

They all turned to the Government Employees' member and said, "What can your dog do? The Government Employees' member called his dog

Coffee Break and said, "Show the fellows what you can do!" Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.

Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."


IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

  • Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
  • There would be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
  • Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
  • Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
  • Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
  • Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
  • They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
  • Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.


Top 20 Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light

20. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00 am!

19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.

17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.

16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.

15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.

13. Holding a harmonica out the window makes the coolest sounds, and sparks too.

12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.

11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.

10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

9. Kid from "Mentos" commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.

8. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.

7. Bugs never see you coming.

6. As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conservation of energy and mass theory, you might as well run over Schrodinger's cat too.

5. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"

4. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.

3. License plate: "Me=MC2"

2. Cigarette butts don't land in the back seat -- they land in last week!

.......and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that

Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...

1. Chicks dig it.


Reservations of an Airline Agent

(After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)

By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of "Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.

In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior -- and it allowed for no means ofretaliation. We were told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'."

It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA.

I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave them is what they just asked for.

But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who call.

But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.

Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day."


A Woman's 50 Rules For Men

  1. Call.
  2. Don't lie.
  3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
  4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
  5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
  6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
  7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
  8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
  9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants bad.
  10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
  11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
  12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
  13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
  14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
  15. Her cooking is excellent.
  16. #15 isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
  17. Dish soap is your friend.
  18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and wipe does not equal clean.
  19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
  20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
  21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
  22. Two words: clean socks.
  23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
  24. Burping is not sexy.
  25. You're wrong.
  26. You're sorry.
  27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
  28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
  29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
  30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
  31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
  32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
  33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
  34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
  35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11:00PM.
  36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
  38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
  39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
  40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  41. Always, always suck up to her brother and father.
  42. Think boxers.
  43. Silk boxers.
  44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
  45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
  46. Her haircut is never bad.
  47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
  48. Call.
  49. Don't lie.
  50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

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