A wife and her husband
were having a dinner party for all the major status
figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and
wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized
that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked
her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing
him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the
door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting
the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the
water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and
talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked
up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got
to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started
messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards
and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke
up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered
all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and
ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry
that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket
There were snails all down the stairs. Just then, the door opened,
with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where
he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps,
then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Two tall trees
are growing in the woods. A small tree begins
to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in
the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends,
is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
A middle-aged businessman
took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy
of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when
he found that he could not last long enough (sounds more like a
younger man than a middle-aged man) to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined
to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to
get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love
to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional
manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse
with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let
him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when
he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you,"
she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But
where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in
on him? He got in
his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would
find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck
and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed
tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy
session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he
was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you
are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.
Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
husband and wife noticed that they were beginning
to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid
that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget
to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to
go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them
that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little
notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful,
and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write
that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it.
You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No
problem--a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise
inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries,
and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon
and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her
husband and said,"Hey, where's the toast?"
and wife are driving and they get pulled over
by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man'slicense.
The man replies, "Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?"
The policeman answers, "You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph
"Come on, officer," the man replies, "You know I was only going
"No you weren't!" quips the wife, "I told you you were speeding!
I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get a ticket!"
"Shut Up!" grunts the husband.
The policeman continues, "I'm also am charging you for going through
a red light."
"Officer," the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light
was yellow, not red."
The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red. I told you
it was red. I told you."
At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife,
The policeman exclaims, "Hey! stop yelling at you wife!" He then
turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?"
She calmly replies, "No, only when he's been drinking."
A true story.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had
Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must
have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at
what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell
to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs
to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop
until hell freezes over.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
It was not revealed what grade the student got.