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BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and
I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in
my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all
in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words
and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure
do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms
are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
Four union workers were
discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was a United Auto Worker who said his dog could do math
calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to go
to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which
the dog did with no sweat.
The Teamsters' member said he thought his dog was better. His
dog, named Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies and bring
them back and divide them into four piles of three, which he did
with no problem.
The Oil, Chemical and Atomic Workers' member said that was good
but he felt his dog was better. His dog, named Measure, was told
to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce
glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three agreed this was
very good and all the dogs were smart.
They all turned to the Government Employees' member and said,
"What can your dog do? The Government Employees' member called his
dog
Coffee Break and said, "Show the fellows what you can do!" Coffee
Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, and screwed
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, filed for Workers'
Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
Three men were standing in line
to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy
day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try
to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment,
I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now
I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back
into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his
fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes,
stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the
kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger
got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let
the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor
of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out
on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of
the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for
very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I
thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment
and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I
just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below,
stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be
okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes
me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
- Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
- There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
- Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
- They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
- Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
- Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
20. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00 am!
19. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
18. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
17. Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
16. Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
15. No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
14. Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
13. Holding a harmonica out the window makes the coolest sounds,
and sparks too.
12. You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole
driving home from work.
11. You'll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal
stripes.
10. That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
9. Kid from "Mentos" commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb
if he tries to duck through back seat.
8. Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in Quantum Physics.
7. Bugs never see you coming.
6. As long as you're breaking the Einstein's conservation of energy
and mass theory, you might as well run over Schrodinger's cat too.
5. Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan "It's there
before you order or it's free!"
4. Car makes it from Hollywood to London fast enough to not arouse
suspicions of Elizabeth Hurley.
3. License plate: "Me=MC2"
2. Cigarette butts don't land in the back seat -- they land in
last week!
.......and the Number 1 Cool Thing About a Car that
Goes Faster than the Speed of Light...
1. Chicks dig it.
Reservations of an Airline
Agent
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls From The Traveling Public)
By: Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post
I work in a central reservation office of an airline company.
After more than 130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a
nice day and thanks for calling" -- I think it's fair to say that
I'm a survivor.
I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know
the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits
who didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the
woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter,
from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so
he wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to
know why she had to change clothes on our flight between Chicago
and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change between
the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to discuss
the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of Habeeb.
In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding
the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This
lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic
status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles have
included everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name
of the town he was from, to another not recognizing the name of
"Iowa" as being a state, to another who thought he had to apply
for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy
and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been as much communication
and new things to learn as today. Yet, after asking a woman from
New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked "Oh...is
it a big place?"
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati,
a man in Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city
in the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who
asked, "Instead of paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money
to the National Cancer Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried
to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was
calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing
on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had
been shipped off to the front when I was asked, "When an airplane
comes in, does that mean it's arriving or departing?" I remembered
the strict training we had received -- four weeks of regimented
classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone behavior
-- and it allowed for no means ofretaliation. We were told, "it's
real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear
things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain
things to your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and
just when you think you've heard it all, someone will ask if they
can get a free round-trip ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had
a Little Lamb'."
It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who
wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there
was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with
a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse.
It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said.
"I knew it was a big animal!"
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by
a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never
heard of Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted
we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA.
I've done nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate
that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the round-trip
fare the passenger just asked for, he'll always ask: "...Is that
one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I
just gave them is what they just asked for.
But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort
the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling
and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like:
"I can't go stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair."
I've been asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to
Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And once
a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city he wanted
to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran
of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what
the next move by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have
anything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they're
returning. A third won't know where they're going; 10 percent won't
care where they're going. A few won't care if they get back. And
James will be the first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never
heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane
that may stick to something; even if he can't spell, pronounce,
or remember what city he's returning to, he'll get there because
I've worked very hard to make sure that he can. Then with a click
of the phone, he'll become a part of my past and I'll be hoping
the next caller at least knows what day it is.
Oh, and James..."Thanks for calling and have a nice day."
A Woman's 50 Rules For Men
- Call.
- Don't lie.
- Never tape any of her body parts together.
- If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
- If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember
the zoo rules: No Petting.
- The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
- Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
- Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
- Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants bad.
- Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
- "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass",
and "Bitch" are bad.
- Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
- A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
- None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better
in bed.
- Her cooking is excellent.
- #15 isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
- Dish soap is your friend.
- Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap,
and wipe does not equal clean.
- Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
- Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
going to end that conversation.
- Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
- Two words: clean socks.
- Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when
you're drunk.
- Burping is not sexy.
- You're wrong.
- You're sorry.
- She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
car than you think she is.
- Ditto for your discourse on football.
- Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single
bound.
- "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is
bad.
- Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
- Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
- No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
without notice.
- "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush.
You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
- Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11:00PM.
- Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
- Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
- If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't
act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
- Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
- Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
- Always, always suck up to her brother and father.
- Think boxers.
- Silk boxers.
- Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she
so-names.
- Don't try to change the way she dresses.
- Her haircut is never bad.
- Don't let your friends pick on her.
- Call.
- Don't lie.
- The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The
fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting
room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances
everything.
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