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20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one
side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've
Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies
tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out
of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online
chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE
WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
- A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over,
there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
- If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
- And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have
nothing to play with.
- During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel.
- One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging
naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....
why are you doing that for?
He said .... Because you came home early.
- Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
- When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio.
- My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked
me as a friend.
- My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with
his wallet.
- When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we
could ....but he pulled through.
- My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll
ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so
many places they can hide.
- On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like
me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when
I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
- I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
- My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If
you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright....
you're ugly too!
- When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned
me over and said. Look ... twins!
- I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Once upon a time
in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local
population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be
done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn the
witch into a statue.
The townpeople managed to put the potion in the witch's food.
When she found out about this, she turned green with rage, but it
was too late and the potion worked as expected. The jubilant population
had a big celebration and parade, and placed the petrified witch
in a park as a public example.
Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen
in a position that made her a perfect sundial, and started using
her to tell the time of day. The custom grew and even today, people
often refer to Mean Green Witch Time.
A guy on a
date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They
make love, but the girl wants it again and the guy complies. She
wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy
says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of
the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks
the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to
her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your
flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high
numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making
love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers
"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you
shined the light on her."
A ninety-year-old
man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man
walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs
and sniffles, the old man answers, "You don't understand. Every
morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she
comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite
meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and
gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime,
and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able
to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It
sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot
where I live."
An elderly
lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at
the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due
to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that
that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and
seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3
million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment
for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into
the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that
she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more
personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into
such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered. "Was it
from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly
woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.
"I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied.
"I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just
bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll
bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls
will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her
rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he
could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided
to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000
at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked
to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his
scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went
to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming
as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day --how often did
he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With
her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man
was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was
her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much
money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the
same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed
to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The
bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering
the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed
him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough,
everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president
then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging
his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired.
"Oh, him." she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock
this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the
balls."
Is there a Santa Claus? -
An Engineering Analysis
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January,
1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into
Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most
of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
Since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total
- 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6
visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household
with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop
out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have
been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and
move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million
stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purpose of our calculations we will
accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total
trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of
us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and so forth.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15
miles per hour.
4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego
set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting
Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying
reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount,
we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.
This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the
sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times
the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion
as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair
of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected
to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back
of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas
Eve,he's dead now!
The following is
from the Dec. 16th, 1996 issue of the New Yorker:
The X-mas Files by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
57 ELM STREET
BETHLEHEM, PA.
11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH
We're too late! It's already been here.
Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated,mounted,
transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings
hung by the chimney, with care.
You really think someone's been here?
Someone, or something.
Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake.
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty
and nice."
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once
each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend
from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers
with jagged chunks of antracite.
But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten
children. Surely you don't believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on
this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies
was massive--and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has
been completely drained.
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and
windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed
on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is
barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at
once?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a
child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white
shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated
torso was red and white. I'll never foget the horror. I turned away,
and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features
of my father.
Impossible.
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought
me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato
Head!
I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who
soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and
boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions?
If this gets out, they'll close the X files.
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows
when you're awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected
bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House
ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished
from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody--not even the
zookeeper--was told about it. The government doesn't want people
to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved
to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in
a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully,
they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too
much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent
night.
Mulder, I--
Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
On the roof. It sounds like...a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
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